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Baby, don't say goodbye.

about me.
Hello, I am theo:)


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Wednesday, April 29, 2009 { 7:40 AM }

today's the last day. wonder how many times have i dreamt of this day ever since i became a councillor. but slowly along the way, i learnt to love something i am reluctant to accept. i love it for the people inside, for the things that i can do, the interaction between people, for the epxperience it gives and the satisfaction when you see your babies(events and mentees) grow. council has made up a large portion of me. it's like something i do everyday, something that is in my blood and that i can never forget or miss out. now, as we step down, i feel so empty. i feel as though there's a big part of me missing. tomorrow onwards, no more gathering at the study benches for morning ass, no more morning ass duty, no more staying back late to prepare for events, no more hanging out in council room..i wonder what kind of life will that be. well, i guess i'm about to experience it tml. sigh. one year is just too fast. too fast to even open your eyes after you closed it.


today is such a bad day to end my term. i cant believe all the while you hadnt understand me when i thought you were the one who understood the most. i am so disappointed in you, yet i feel dumb for having so much faith in you. thinking back, i wonder why i was hurt by whatever you said. by right it shouldnt have mattered to me. but it poked my wound. the wound i had to try and hide for so many months. is it successful? i dont know if it is. maybe on the surface, it does look like it is. but tell me, when that thing has hurt a fellow comm member in the process, has spoilt the relationship between people, then is it still successful? to me, i think i have failed. i really hadnt done much? no. i tried so hard. i really did. but i'm too weak to fight on. i still tried. i didnt give up. i tried my best to make sure everything went well. i did my part. and who thanked me? who appreciated me? who even remembered that there is this person called theodora behind the stage? nobody does and i know it deep down inside, just that i chose to act as though i didnt know the answer has already existed in my heart.
i dont understand why others always try to ask the ics dont stress, but when i was one, nobody even noticed i was one. you all comforted those ics who cried and got angry and looked stressed. but me? all i could do was hide in the toilet and cry. i dont need people to pity me. all i need is someone to understand me. but nobody does. everyone turns a blind eye to things that are obviously happening but not seen, everyone pretend not to hear. they only care about whatever that's happening on the outside. why? why cant you people stop to listen to what others have to say. is it fair to make others listen to you when you yourself hadnt been doing the same thing. that's because you dont care. if you dont care even about the people inside, do you think you have feelings for the organisation? i though i was numbed, but it still hurts. i'm sorry. maybe it should take a very long time to heal.
are we like what we used to be? or have we changed? is it you or is it me? but i havent seen much change in myself. all i could feel now is confused again.




is there anything to numb myself? i tried but it still hurts badly. is it my fault again?